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I realize that my record collection isn't nearly as extensive as that of
our humble webmaster. Yet I do have a considerable number of albums, cassettes, CD's and yes, even
eight-tracks, that are related to my love of the "squared circle". And I daresay that they're far more valuable than the "WCW
Slam Jam" or "Jimmy Hart: Outrageous Conduct" albums you folks managed to dig up on eBay:
No Holds Barred: The Match. The Movie.
THE MUSICAL!
(Original Cast Recording)
In
1989, Vince McMahon thought he had a marketing juggernaut on his hands with "No Holds Barred", a film that showed us Hulk
Hogan doing pretty much the same things he had done in the ring for the previous five years.
By year's end, McMahon
had convinced some financial backers to bring a version of the show to Broadway, where it enjoyed an unprecedented run of
nearly five days. The critics even preferred the musical to the film version, although I guess that's not THAT surprising.
There
were nine original scores on the album, composed by the songwriting duo of J. Hart and R. Derringer. Included in them was
the Tony-award nominated song "I won't take your money, Mr. Brell":
Rip:
I won't take your money, Mr. Brell (MIS-TER BRELL!)
My
contract isn't something that I'll sell (WILL NOT SELL!)
What's that on your goon that I smell? (IT'S DOOKY!)
I won't
sign your contract; go to hell! (MIS-TER BRELL!)
Mr. Brell:
How dare that you say you'll take a pass (TAKE A PASS!)
You're
nothing but some big dumb jockass (JOCK ASS!)
Even though my network's really crass (REALLY CRASS!)
I truly hope that
Zeus just kicks your ass (KICK YOUR ASS!)
Other
notable tracks: "Battle Of The Tough Guys"; "I Won't Be Around When This Check Clears"; "Why Won't Joan Severance Sleep With
Me?"
It's A Heidenreich Christmas
I admit it: The photo here was lifted from the myspace profile of someone called "Heidenreich"
(I wanted to be Heidenreich's friend). With that disclaimer out of the way, what holiday would be complete without hearing
some of Little Johnny's favorite yuletide classics?
Deck The Halls With HEI-DEN-REICH
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Who
wants to be Heidenreichs friend?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Other tracks include: "All I Want For Christmas Is To Rape Michael Cole"; "Good King Heidenreich"; and "We Wish We
Still Had A Contract".
Macho Man Reggae Savage: "Oooh yeah, mon!"
If you enjoyed Savage's 2004 foray into the world of hip-hop (well, first of all, you're
be a fucking idiot), you'll love this little-known return by the Macho Man to his Rastafarian roots.
Savage's deep
growl is perfect for a laid back style of reggae that puts crooners like Bob Marley and Shabba Ranks to shame. To wit:
Hogan, dem have da heart of a coward
He dat doin' da wrong
thing, ya know
Show da respect to da Macho Man Savage
When you be lustin' after Elizabet', ya know
Other tracks include: "Freak out, freak out, coo yah!"; "Jammin' in da danger zone";
"Talkin' war with da Hulkstah".
Rowdy Roddy Piper Scares The Crap Out Of Kids During
Storytime
The year was 2002. Rowdy Roddy
Piper finally realized he was destined for a career of making B-movies with Billy Blanks, and the odd appearance in a wrestling
ring. Thus, the Hot Rod began to branch into other areas; namely, children's storytelling.
With his flair for the dramatic,
the Rowdy Scot was a natural storyteller for children's classics such as "Peter And The Wolf":
"So Peter walks in the room, and he's yelling at the top of
his lungs: YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU don't scare me, huh? And we start screaming and sweating, and man, blood is all over the damn
place, like the time I made Hulk Hogan sit in a pile of his own vomit, don'cha know! And so that's the real reason Vince McMahon
never made me the champion: I was too good for his damn company, and I'd never agree to lose, man. Roddy Piper: Wrestling
Icon!"
Other tracks include: "Hansel and Gretel
OD on cocaine"; "David and Goliath lose to Piper"; "Just when you think you know the moral of this story, I change the endings."
WCW Originals
In late-1998, WCW Vice-President of Wrestling Operations Eric Bischoff was looking
for something, anything, that would catch on with mainstream audiences as his ratings for Nitro began to dwindle. With that
in mind, Uncle Eric sent several of his top stars to the recording studio.
Unfortunately, the project wasn't without
its problems. Hollywood Hogan insisted the CD be renamed "Hollywood Hogan and the nWo Carry A Bunch Of Jabronis To A Record-Selling
Album". When Time Warner's higher-ups nixed that idea, Hogan, along with Bill Goldberg, Scott Hall, Lex Luger, Sting, The
Four Horsemen, Bret Hart, Scott Steiner, Chris Benoit, Raven, Konnan, Randy Savage, Roddy Piper, Diamond Dallas Page and numerous
others, exercised their "creative control" clauses by boycotting the album.
Also, the final track gets screwed up when
Tony Schiavone screams "We're out of time. Tune in to Thunder to see what happens next!" over the music.
But what followed
was possibly the greatest accomplishment ever by WCW's midcard: a series of songs that, like the television show they were
born from, often made no sense. For example:
(Sung to the tune of a typical blues song)
My name is Billy
Kidman (Da da DUH DUH DUH)
I'm no one's friend or foe (Da da DUH DUH DUH)
So I don't understand why each week I'm being
jumped by the - nWo
Oh, it's not fair (IT'S NOT FAIIIIIR)
Why do I, always just have to lose? (HAVE TO LOOOOOSE)
I
suppose it's just another day, I have ta
Suffer through The Kidman Blues
Other tracks include: "The Mortis Mambo"; "A Whole Lotta Buff Bagwell Goin' On"; "Please Release Me From My Contract"
(Chorus).
Figure Four Leglock: The Album
In 1988, the WWF had an unexpected hit with "Piledriver: The Album", and so Vince McMahon
had decided to release a similar album every year with a slightly different title.
So the very next year, WWF released
"Figure Four Leglock", which showcased the musical talents of several of the era's biggest stars. Included was the following
hit:
I got Miss Betsy in my chaps,
I'm wearing black underwear
You
oughta see Brutus Beefcake
Cut off all my hair
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass (He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just
Outlaw Ron Bass (He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass, I'm tough, I'm from Texas, I suck ass.
I got
my cowboy boots on
And a big cowboy hat
I'm comin' to your town
To fight Battle Kat
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass
(He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass (He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass, I'm tough,
I'm from Texas, I suck ass.
Roll over Ken Patera - let The Outlaw show ya how to rock n roll!
Jim Powers who? He
couldn't win a match if his life depended on it!
Oooooh, have mercy, baby!
Let The Outlaw crack that whip (Whip it good)
I'm
just Outlaw Ron Bass (He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass (He's just Outlaw Ron Bass)
I'm just Outlaw
Ron Bass, I'm tough, I'm from Texas, I suck ass.
I'm just Outlaw Ron Bass, I'm tough, I'm from Texas, I s-s-s-s-s-suck
ass.
Other tracks include: "Bad, Bad, Bad
News Brown - Baddest Man In The Whole Damn Town"; "Girls In Motorcycles" (The Killer Bees theme song); "NO SNAKE, BOBBY!"
(Andre The Giant w/Rick Derringer).
There are also several other gems in my collection where I feel no description is necessary (Also, I couldn't think
of anything to say about them). Enjoy!
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